iTorchic and the Philosopher's Stone
by iTorchic
Summary: A spoof of 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail'. King Edward and his Knights of the Circular Table are travel across Amestris to search for a Gate given quest to find the Philosopher's Stone. CRACK. Rated T. Follows the movie! I'm bored again!
1. Chapter 1

**Got bored, started watching 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail', came up with this crack.**

**I do not own FMA or 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail', however I own my mind and the randomness that ensues within it.**

**Please enjoy the randomness that is a British comedy movie in FMA form.**

Chapter 1

Coconuts

AMESTRIS

917 A.D.

The hills were foggy as the clopping echoed around the valley. Two figures made their way through the fog: one was of short stature, but wearing a golden crown on top his head and wore a white tunic with a flamel crest on it in gold. The guy wore chain mail however, he had a steel arm and leg that was also covered in chain mail for the hell of it. He galloped on his imaginary horse as they trekked through the mountains.

The second figure was a foot taller, however he was carrying a giant load of supplied on his back and clapping together the halves of a coconut, imitating a horse's galloping. He looked like a peasant, and merely followed the crowned person mentioned earlier.

"Whoa there!"

They stopped on a hill as they stared at a large castle not that far away on a huge hill before the crowned one signaled for them to start off again and they set off again indeed.

The 'galloped' up to the castle on the worn path and soon reached one of it's walls.

"HALT!" A voice shouted from one of the walls of the castle and both halted and looked up to see a man standing up there. "Who goes there?"

"It is I, Edward, son of Van Hoeinheim from the castle of Central. King of the Amestrians. Defeater of the Homunculi. Hero of the People of all Amestris." The crowned man called. The man in the castle paused before asking another question,

"Who's the other one?"

"This is Russell, my trusty servant. We have ridden anent through most of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court in Central. I must speak with your lord and master."

"What, ridden on a horse?"

"Yes."

"You're using coconuts."

"What?"

"You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging 'em together!"

"So?" King Edward exclaimed, "We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land. Through the kingdom of Drachma, through-"

"Where'd you get the coconuts?" The man called again.

"We found them."

"Found them? In Drachma? The coconut is tropical!"

"What do you mean?" King Edward asked as he continued to look up at the man.

"Well this is a temperate zone!"

"The swallow may fly south with the sun or the other birds may find warmer climates in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?"

"Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?" The man asked.

"Not at all!" King Edward exclaimed, "They could be carried."

"What?" The man yelled, "A swallow carrying a coconut!"

"It could grip it by the husk." King Edward reasoned.

"It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of ratios. A 5 ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound coconut!" The man argued.

"Well it doesn't matter!" King Edward shouted, "Will you go and tell your master that Edward from the court of Central is here?"

"Listen: in order to maintain airspeed velocity, a swallow needs to beat it's wings 43 times every second, right?" The man asked and King Edward was starting to get annoyed.

"Please!"

"Am I right?"

"I'm not interested!" King Edward shouted. This was becoming old… A second man appeared at the wall,

"It could be carried by a Cretan Swallow." The second man said and Kind Edward rolled his eyes.

"Oh yeah, a Cretan swallow maybe but not an Amestrian swallow, that's my point." The first man said.

"Oh yeah, I agree with that…" The second man said before King Edward cut in,

"Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Central?" He asked impatiently. The men were beginning to get on his nerves, however his question was ignored.

"However, Cretan swallows are non migratory." The man thought aloud and the second man gave a noise of understanding.

"Oh yeah, so they couldn't bring a coconut anyway." The second man said and King Edward and his trusty servant Russell turned around and began to 'gallop' away with said coconuts from before as the men continued their discussion.

"Wait a minute, supposing two swallows carried it together?"

"No, they'd have to have it on a line…"

"Well that's simple! They just use a strand of tree bark!"

"What? Held under the dorsal guiding feathers?"

"Why not?"

**And act one is done. XD My goal is to try and match up as much as I can to the actual movie as I can. I am now posting this at 4 am and I'm still not sleepy yet. XD Please review! Thanks guys!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Update number 3! XD**

**Chapter 2**

**Plague Village**

"Bring out your dead!"

CLANG

"Bring out your dead!"

CLANG

The man yelled as he went through the town. There were dead lining the streets and sick people everywhere. His companion pushed the cart of dead bodies.

"Bring out your dead!"

CLANG

"Bring out your dead!"

CLANG

People loaded others onto the cart and another helped pull the cart due to it being heavy as more people were piled on.

"Bring out your dead!"

CLANG

"Bring out your dead!"

CLANG

Everyone was muddy and dirty and scavenging for food. These Ishvalan refugee camps weren't doing so good.

"Bring out your dead!"

CLANG

"Here's one!" A man said as he carried someone over his arm.

"Nice one."

"I'm not dead!" Yoki exclaimed.

"What?" The cart man asked.

"Nothing!" The man said quickly, "Here's your nine sens!"

"I'm not dead!" Yoki protested.

"Well, he said he's not dead." The cart man, who had a large scar across his face, said.

"Yes he is." The man said.

"But I'm not!"

"He isn't?" Scar asked.

"He will be soon." The man assured him, "He's very ill."

"I'm getting better!" Yoki exclaimed.

"No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment." The man said and looked over his shoulder at Yoki's head.

"Well I can't take him like that." Scar the cart man said, "It's against regulations."

"I don't want to go in the cart!" Yoki moaned and the man scowled,

"Oh, don't be such a baby."

"Well I can't take 'em" Scar said, shaking his head.

"I feel fine!"

"Oh do us a favor!" The man pleaded.

"Well I can't." Scar replied.

"Well can you wait around a couple of minutes? It won't be long." The man asked and Scar sighed.

"I don't know, the family down the street lost nine today!"

"Well when's your next round?"

"Thursday."

"I think I'll go for a walk!" Yoki called and the man groaned,

"You're not fooling anyone you know," He turned back to Scar, "Well isn't there something you can do?"

"I feel happy! I feel happy!" Yoki chanted happily while Scar looked around before he exploded Yoki's head.

"Ah, thanks very much!" The man said as he loaded the now dead Yoki onto the cart.

"Oh it's no problem. See you on Thursday." Scar said as he grabbed his bell again.

"All right." The man said. The both watched as King Edward and Russell galloped past through the town. "Who's that then?"

"I dunno." Scar replied, "Must be a king."

"Why?"

"He hasn't got shit all over him."

**And there would be chapter 2! =D**


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm baaack! =D Shall we continue on?**

**Chapter 3**

**Constitutional Peasants**

And so, King Edward continued his quest with Russell trotting at his side. They had traveled many miles, and were now coming across a field filled with workers, and a castle in the distance. King Edward galloped up to a person pulling a large wooden cart…

"Old woman!" King Edward called and the person turned around and glared at him.

"Man."

"Man, sorry." He apologized, "What knight lives in that castle over there?"

"I'm 27."

"What?"

"I'm 27, I'm not old."

"Well I just can't just call you 'man'" King Edward replied as he trotted next to the man pulling the cart with Russell right behind him.

"Well you could say Denny Brosh." The man suggested, now known as Denny Brosh.

"I didn't know you were called Denny." King Edward replied and Denny scoffed,

"Well you didn't bother to find out, did you?"

"I did say sorry about the old woman, but from behind you looked like-"

"I reject that you treat me like an inferior!" Denny interrupted and King Edward looked at him.

"Well I am King!" He reasoned and Denny rolled his eyes.

"Oh well 'King' aye? Very nice." The now sarcastic Denny replied. "How'd you get that then? By exploiting the workers!" He set down his cart, " By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If there's ever going to be any progress, there's-"

"Hey there's some lovely filth down here!" A woman exclaimed as she crawled on her hands and knees towards King Edward and an ranting Denny Brosh. "Oh, how'd you do?" She asked as she noticed King Edward.

"How'd you do good lady? I'm Edward, king of the Amestrians." King Edward replied, and pointed at the castle as Denny jumped over the wall towards the woman. "Whose castle is that?"

"King of the who?" The woman asked, looking confusedly at the King.

"The Amestrians." King Edward replied with a shocked look on his face.

"Who are the Amestrians?"

"Well we all are. We're all Amestrians and I am your king." The King replied, looking a little confused at the woman.

"I didn't know we had a king. I thought we're an autonomous collective." She replied as the woman and Denny began digging again.

"You're a fool of yourself, Maria." Denny said, pointing at the woman, "We are living in a dictatorship. A self perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes-"

"Oh there you go!" Maria groaned, "Bringing classing in again.."

"That's what it's all about!" Denny protested, "If only people would-"

"Please, please good people!" King Edward interrupted, " I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?"

"No one lives there." Maria replied.

"Then who is your lord?" The king asked.

"We don't have a lord." The woman replied, continuing to dig in the mud.

"What?" King Edward asked incredulously and Denny sighed.

"I told you, we're a autonomous significant commune. We take it in turns to act as sort of an executive officer for the week."

"Yes." King Edward said, his temper starting to get the better of him, but Denny still kept going.

"By order of the decisions of the officer, have to be ratified in a special bi-weekly meeting,"

"Yes I see." The irritated king said.

"By a civil majority in the case of adjourning civil affairs-"

"Be quiet!" King Edward snapped.

"but by 2/3rds majority in the case of-"

"Be quiet! I order you!" King Edward yelled, "I order you to be quiet!"

There was a quick silence.

"Ordering?" Maria laughed as she began to dig again, "Why who do you think he is?"

"I am your king!"

"Well I didn't vote for you." Maria replied.

"You don't vote for kings!" The king replied.

"Well then why'd you become king then?" Maria asked and sat up.

"The lady of the lake: her arm clad in in the purest shimmering Semite. Held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water. Signifying by divine providence that I, Edward, was to carry Excalibur." He said, looking at the sky before turning down and shouting to Maria, "That is why I am your king."

"Listen," Denny said with a scoff, "Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some factious aquatic ceremony."

"Be quiet!" King Edward shouted angrily.

"Well you can't expect to wield extreme executive power, just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!" Denny retorted.

"SHUT UP!" But Denny wasn't done yet and King Edward had enough and began climbing over the wall towards Denny.

"Well if I went around, saying I was an emperor, just cause some moistened brink had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd lock me away!" Maria got up as King Edward grabbed Denny's arm and started pulling him up.

"SHUT UP!"

"Aha! Now we see the violence in the system!" Denny exclaimed as he jumped and King Edward wrestled him to the ground.

"SHUT UP!"

"Come see the violence inherited in the system!" Denny screamed, "HELP HELP! I'M BEING REPRESSED!" Some people wandered up as the two men scuffled.

"Quiet you bloody peasant!" King Edward shouted and he finally had enough as he walked away and Denny pointed at him while talking to the others.

"OH! What a giveaway! Did you hear that? Did you hear that aye?" He turned to look at King Edward again, "That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it didn't you?"

**This chapter was a headache to try and get all the words right. -_- Damn you Denny Brosh and your big words.**


End file.
